I'm not quite sure how this works! My lovely friend ( @jgallagh is this how it works?)  told me about this website and something about it kind of got me. Something something uncommodified digital spaces something something democratization of server hosting  something something anarchist theory. 

I'd like a space where I can do my book reviews without making my friends and family listen to me incoherently try to summarize/analyze whatever I'm reading atm. Maybe share some writing- I'm trying to get brave enough to find some kind of class or something and this feels like an okay half-step. 

At my job, we used to have an OLD computer where we stored records from the 80s/90s (maybe also 2000s? Non-profit budgets etc). No image display, it was just text appearing after a blinking cursor. I fucking loved that thing. That's what this website reminds me of. 





Uhhh captain's log wednesday whatever the fuck: 

It has become really clear to me over the course of my 'career' (read: random underpaying nonprofit jobs that are vaguely related to my ethics) that I need to work with people. Part of this is related to my anti-manager policies and part of this is just acknowledging that at heart I am a deeply introverted person who, if given the choice, would spend one decade minimum reading books in my pyjamas on the couch. Social skills need to be maintained, which is also soooooo fucking annoying. Why can't I just be good at things or just not do them? But the downside of this (besides my enormous neglected pile of library books) is that people will break your heart. I have been so worried about one of my patients I spoke with yesterday. I had a bunch of stuff to coordinate for her and ended up having to call her back after she'd left because there was so much stuff going on I forgot some logistical details. When she answered the phone she just sounded so exhausted and scared and sad. Idk. The tightrope to walk in this line of work is between emotional disengagement and bleeding empathy. Disengaging is probably healthier but I don't want to become so detatched I can't sit with someone while they mourn. I think the term emotional labor has become misappropriated and the way most people use the term now is inaccurate, but if you are confronted every day with the way human beings can fail each other and are also a neutral space for people to process those feelings, it kicks your fucking ass. When I first started this job, I would come home shaking with sore muscles from tensing my body all day. Thankfully that has gotten better, but last night I was exhausted. There are some situations where all you can do is pray and cry and hope people do better.





Captain's log: shit sucks saturday

AUGHHH 

What a week.

Had to stay late today to write a fat ass email to my HR director *and* our executive director. It's stupid frustrating petty bullshit that got escalated for good reason but is still stupid. What is it about having management job that makes it impossible to get fired ? 

I am so tense it feels like my muscles have permanently locked into this position and I'm going to be a sad little old man for the rest of my days. Bernie Sanders style hunch. You know what I mean.

I also know there was some other contributing factors. I have not had my mandatory bed rot time. I did not eat breakfast or lunch or really dinner last night. I have been super overwhelmed and frustrated this whole week. Human bodies are very fragile and brains even more. 

Positives: free waffle fries from my boss. My BEAUTIFUL LOVELY coworker saw me leave a meeting and gave me a cigarette no questions asked. (Btw if you want to know where the real union organizing happens, it's at the smoker's bench.) Being angry makes music sound better. 

If anyone makes me do anything this weekend I will put sugar kn their gas tank. I'm not even kidding.